life and death

we have been receiving horrible news from our "extended" family at Gateway, David and Julie Ovalle. their baby Nikkie Lee is set to be delivered via C-Section sometime today, but will probably not survive long.

Nikkie has a condition called Trisomy 18, and will most likely die soon after birth. this disorder causes organs to be malformed, and UNformed. according to David:

This afternoon, Dr. Yamamoto was surprised that Nikki was still alive. Her heart is still beating and she is still moving around but Nikki's heart is deformed and her lungs do not seem to be developed. Dr. Yamamoto believes if she servives the delivery, Nikki may only live a few hours.

as I was telling Steve when I first heard the news, these are the days that I believe in the sovereignty of God only intellectually, but my heart is struggling to believe it. i trust in God simply because I choose to, not because I "want" to (of course I want to belive in God, hopefully you understand what I mean by that). it's tough. my emotions want to be mad at God, to question why He allows these things to happen. they cannot be attributed to sin (i.e. i got shot and paralzyed). the baby is in God's hands.

the truth is that we have to accept the unknown. we have to accept our inability to see in and through the mind of God. we have to be willing to take the good with the bad and continue to praise God. and all the while, in our lack of understanding, we are supposed to have faith??? it's alot to wrap my mind around right now.

please pray for the Ovalle family. there are tough days ahead for them.

my soul sings praise to the God of the universe today. but my heart is silent.