wearing my heart on my sleeve...

this weekend was one that i will likely never forget. i spent the weekend with our high school and junior high school students from gateway at their winter camp. i was a last minute add to the roster, but i was excited to be there.

on a personal level, i love to see how this group has grown into a tight knit family. you should have seen them, it was beautiful. and i was glad to be a part of it.

i have been in ministry for a long time. this camp was probably about my 15th as a coach, so i am not a rookie by any means. but this time was a trip. i was sitting in one of the general seminars listening to the speaker give an altar call. and i heard the voice of god. it was clear, it was concise, and i knew exactly what he meant. i have been praying about something for a while now and asking god to point my way. and he did. i can count on 2 hands times in my life where i feel that god spoke directly to me, and this was one of them. now i know what god wants me to do, and i plan to pursue it. what was a shock was that i was not expecting it at all. i was not expecting it to happen this way, and under these circumstances. but it did, and i am grateful that it did. i shared what god had spoken to me with my small group, and i think it was an encouragement to them as well.

then the next day came and i was feeling good. we were playing football, doing service projects in 35 degree weather in shorts, it was dope. then i see my cell phone has like 4 missed calls, all from co-workers. i thought that maybe something was wrong at work and that they needed my geekness to help them sort it out. it turns out that my coworker Rowena, a good friend and sister in Christ, had lost her baby the night before and then died herself that morning. i was caught off guard once again, but this time in a very dark way.

i wept outside by myself, remembering the great times we had together, and how we shared a very special bond. she was a youth worker too, and we silently shared the struggles and difficulties of that life together, often encouraging each other to stay the course. and then a tremendous fear came over me. see, rowena was about 2 weeks further along in her pregnancy than sonia is. rowena was always asking about sonia and concerned for her, because they both were having difficult pregnancies. she was a very special person to me, and sharing that with her was a blessing.

but then rowena and her baby died. what if my wife and baby die? what if god has plans for sonia and my baby that i cannot forsee or comprehend? what if? WHAT IF???! that nagged at me, gnawed at my stomach intensely, a fear that i cannot describe suddenly overtook me. i struggled to compose myself and get back into the mindset of this camp, but i couldn't get it out of my mind. i've been talking to a friend about trusting god, but i was having a really hard time doing that.

we had small groups that night, and i shared what i was going through with my small group. i told them everything. and then they prayed for me. they gathered around me and prayed, and it was one of the most beautiful things that i have experienced in a long while. like i said, i've been in ministry for a long time. but this weekend, i was ministered to by them. they were there for me at a time when i needed them, and i appreciate it deeply.

my heart still aches, and i am praying constantly for rowena's husband. i pray that god heals his pain, and comforts him with the knowledge of the resurrection. i wrote my last blog entry before all of this happened. but now i see my own words in a whole new light.

1 corinthians 15:52: In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.